Going It Alone: How We Are Made for Community

Are you one of the people that enjoys reality TV shows like Alone? Some people love it, but honestly I’m not a fan. It looks rather miserable and even horrifies me to imagine being out there in the wilderness, alone, trying to survive the longest using the skills you have, all in hopes of getting the reward money. Perhaps the contestants don't do it for the prize, at least not entirely. Maybe they're looking for credibility, notoriety, or looking to prove to themselves that they can. The drawing premise of the show is witnessing the almost unbearable reality that these people are doing the whole thing entirely ALONE!!!

Newsflash: NO ONE is designed to ‘‘go it alone” while navigating the challenges and joys of even normal, everyday life, much less being completely isolated while enduring the perilous tortures and potentially deadly endeavors of a reality TV scenario.

By God’s design, we’re made to be in connection and community with others. In fact, our sense of hope, satisfaction and well-being are all exponentially increased when we are not living in isolation but in active relationship and connection with others.

In our current society people try to ‘‘go it alone” thinking they’re better off or don’t know the importance of or even where to begin to find life-giving relationships. This is where the road to isolation often begins. Most of us in the West don’t live in a social system that gathers together in tight-knit communities like cultures have in the past.

I live in a very small and remote mountain town where there are several small Amish communities. I have watched and wondered how and why these people live such a different life than the rest of mainstream America. It is not uncommon for me to see an undersized buggy pulled by a miniature pony driven by a child looking no older than 10. In winter months with the snow blowing sideways, the confident young driver, bundled in a thick handmade coat, scarf and hat to help survive the extreme winter elements, plods down the road with several young children smiling and waving as I cautiously pass them on the left. Even though I’ve experienced this countless times, I am so curious! I want to know more of what their day in, day out lives really look like. I want to know how they make their decisions and what they think of the rest of us common crazies! I have had the privilege to get to know a few young Amish women who have opened up with me. We have shared about our lives, our families and asked and answered many questions with each other. This rare opportunity of transparent conversation with my unlikely Amish friends has been such a highlight of my life recently. We mutually want to get to know each other and better understand each other's beliefs, values, and practices. The value of family and community for the Amish is paramount compared to most of the culture I know and live in.

In contrast, I know many people who live in a reality where much of their life is lived in isolation. It’s striking that you can share rent with roommates, meals with siblings, or a bed with your spouse, but in all practicality, you're alone...emotionally isolated. Being alone while surrounded by people is still a form of isolation that can be deceptive and devastating.

The thief (the devil) comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus) have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

John 10:10 (NIV)

John 10:10 is one of the most prevalent and impactful verses that has shaped my thinking about what faith in Jesus means and what our lives as God’s children should look like. Whether we realize it or not, we have an enemy (also known as the devil, satan, the thief, etc.) whose agenda can be summed up in three words: steal, kill, & destroy.

In the same verse, Jesus plainly states that His ways and intentions for us are characterized by an idea of “life to the full” (or, as many common versions refer to it as “life abundantly” or “an abundant life”). We don’t have to try hard to imagine the differences between these two juxtaposed agendas and how they look and feel in real life. Watch the news, scroll social media, or just step outside your house for a bit and you’ll be reminded of the myriad of ways we can see what’s wrong and broken in the world around us. In short, the devil is all about stealing, killing, and destroying anything that God deems good.

So, what does “an abundant life” look like?

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Galatians 5:22-23a

The specifics and details for what an “abundant life” might look like may vary in as many ways as each person is unique. When our life is marked by things like “love, joy, peace, patience...” we are living more fully in God’s intentions for us. We can experience this life Jesus said He came to bring, regardless if our circumstances are ideal, surreal, difficult, or laced with suffering. There is no promise or expectation that our life as a Christian won’t have trials and suffering. In fact, it's a guarantee. It’s often in the midst of these difficult realities that we most fully live life on Jesus' terms.

In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

John 16:33b

One of the key factors to living in alignment with what Jesus prescribes as “life in the full” is our relationships with others. These relationships aren’t just surface or superficial but “life on life” ways of relating. In this paradigm, we are actively seeking to love and care for each other. In these relationships, both people ask poignant questions, listen attentively, and speak the truth in love with each other. We are set up to thrive where we otherwise could not when we strive to serve, support, and seek each other's best interest. When we’re isolated (literally or figuratively) we are incredibly vulnerable and our movement away from Jesus’ intentions for our lives will most likely accelerate.

If finding good friends that are authentic, trustworthy, and like-minded was easy, then I guess it wouldn’t be the challenge that so many of us experience. I recognize that it would be incredibly unhelpful and honestly ridiculous of me to set an ideal and then imply that you should go get some great friends (who will love you and commit to stand by you no matter what) real quick. Unfortunately, it can be extremely challenging to find friends and a community that feels safe, welcoming, and authentic. I’m afraid this is often why many people end up lonelier and more isolated than they ever intended or imagined.

Jesus’ own life and many stories and examples of men and women in the Bible demonstrate the critical but messy reality of people doing “life on life” with one another. Ironically and tragically, the people that help us move toward living “life in the full” are sometimes the same people who disappoint, hurt, or betray us. You may know first-hand the bitter sting and deep sadness that comes from someone wounding us—whether that was their intention or not. In the harsh aftermath of being wronged by someone we trusted, if we’re not extremely intentional (and obedient) to bring our wounds to Jesus and process the hurt and forgive the offender, we will find ourselves in deep, murky and potentially dangerous waters. When we have been hurt, we often instinctually work to self-protect by withdrawing or pulling away. Suddenly, our attempt to recoil from the wrong done to us takes us to a place where we now find we’re hidden in the dark shadows of isolation. This is a whole different kind of danger that is as equally painful as the original wounding that propelled us to run.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

Matthew 7:7-8

“Life on life” relationships are actually God’s idea. His design and plan for us is to live in a dynamic and loving community with others where Jesus and His truth are the center. I’ve talked about a lot of ideals. Now the question is, Where to go from here? In Matthew 7: 7-8, Jesus tells us to Ask, Seek, Knock...and Trust.

1. If you have looked to and trusted Jesus as “the way, the truth and the life.” Then, through your faith in Him, you know the incomparable, unconditional, and incomprehensible love of God. We can have a relationship with the God who created and sustains everything in the universe because of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection. Jesus did what we could never do for ourselves in paying the price for our sin and brokenness. He offers us life eternal and life in the full TODAY by looking to and trusting in Him. That is what we call the Good News or the Gospel.

Jesus answered, “I am the way the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.”

John 14:6

2. Remember that even more important than God providing important things like relationships with others, He is what we need—first and foremost, above anything or anyone else. God isn’t far away. He isn’t distracted. We can never be too needy or unfaithful that He gives up on us. So, go to Him boldly, humbly, and confidently. But, if we look to God to give us things (even good things like relationships that glorify Him) more than or ahead of seeking Him first, then we’re missing the best thing He offers...Himself.

But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Matthew 6:33

3. Seek to be the kind of friend, spouse, or sibling you hope to have. God is always at work around us and there is assuredly someone nearby who needs someone else, PERHAPS YOU, to take the initiative. There are others we may not realize who are desperately lonely and isolated. Are you willing to go first and seek to be the kind of friend that will reach out and offer the connection and care that Jesus calls us to?

Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.

John 13:34b-35

4. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. When you are going through a tough time, who of your friends would listen, encourage, and pray for you? If you are waiting for someone to go first, you may be waiting a while. Remember, Jesus went first. He didn’t wait for us to draw near to Him. He came running towards us when we had no idea how lost and alone we were. Have courage and step out to see how God will answer your prayers, provide for your needs, and do so much more than you can ask or imagine!

Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. Cry out for insight, and ask for understanding. Search for them as you would for silver; seek them like hidden treasures.

Proverbs 2:2-4 (NLT)

Julie is a seasoned, Professional Life Coach and is uniquely gifted at coming alongside others who are looking for support, encouragement, and accountability. If you desire to move on from a season of isolation and loneliness or are ready to seek greater understanding in your current season of life, consider working with a Life Coach. Julie offers focused attention, objective support, and godly wisdom as a Christian Life Coach. Contact her to discuss how she might come alongside you to help support your journey with Jesus and what He has next for you.