Teach them how to say goodbye

Driving the other day on a rural mountain highway, I was listening to Spotify when songs started shuffling through randomly. I love it when songs come up that I haven’t heard in a while but are an old favorite and they fit my mood at the moment.

I have a good variety of songs on Spotify that come from my daughter. In her tween and early teen years, I spent hours every week chauffeuring her around to dance classes, appointments and social obligations. Living in a small mountain town, these were often long drives and we almost always listened to her music. (Thankfully, she now has an amazing taste in music.)

She had a big musical theater phase, which was not my thing at all and a whole new world for me.  With songs and albums repeating, I actually began to enjoy some of it.  On my drive the other day, while random songs played, the song ‘One Last Time’ from the musical Hamilton came up.

Hamilton was a cultural phenomenon and Molly was swept up and enraptured by it, along with much of our nation.  It is a ‘sung-and-rapped through biographical musical’ and fans became captivated – not only by the revolutionary songs and lyrics, but also the incredible ideas and insights into some of our nation’s story in its infancy through the lens of Hamilton.  Another key character in this plot was George Washington.

In one scene,  President Washington calls Hamilton in to talk with him and he tells him that he is stepping aside. Hamilton is floored and pushes back hard, but Washington has the wisdom to know it’s time for him to go. He even sees that it’s an opportunity to teach the people of a young nation -  how to say goodbye.

That struck me. I don’t think many of us get taught how to say goodbye.

Saying goodbye in one form or another is inevitable throughout our lives. There are the daily, light and inconsequential goodbyes and then there are the BIG goodbyes. We have all been there, where we stand on the threshold of major change, transition and sometimes even relational or professional termination.

These BIG goodbyes are almost always significant with a plethora of emotions stirring. Some goodbyes are deeply painful and potentially permanent.  Some goodbyes take place when you are leaving a job, or a place among a group of people that you will no longer work with… maybe a team, a club or a small group with a shared passion.

As the saying goes…all things must come to an end, but as it does, how do you say goodbye well?

Have you had it modeled or been taught how to say goodbye in the midst of painful, awkward, or even traumatic circumstances? Do we know how to say goodbye when we’re hurting? Do we know how to say goodbye not just out of self protection or reaction, but in the context of truth and love?

A parent plays a critical role in the life of their child(ren) by how they model this. If a parent, a role model, or person in a position of authority in our life does not know how to approach these very high-level relational realities, it’s likely no one taught them how to do it well.  So when it’s our turn to say goodbye, we likely will have no clue how to do it either.

When we are on the receiving end in a relationship with someone we care for or have had significant interactions with and they go the route of ‘dart and run’ or neglect acknowledging us and the relationship we’ve shared, good and bad, we are left feeling cold and bewildered as to what happened and how to go forward.

This ability to say goodbye regardless of circumstances is a mark of maturity. Someone can be a mature adult physiologically, by growing a full beard and being the CEO of a corporation or she can bear a child or run her own consulting firm. Regardless of a person’s maturity, it does not mean that they are emotionally mature enough to navigate the high level relational abilities for letting go and moving on in relationships.

When was the last time you were in a situation of a BIG goodbye? Did you lean-in as best you could to say the things you needed to say?  Did you acknowledge the things that were good or significant? Or did you retreat in self protection and preservation? Did you say goodbye with dignity and maturity as you closed the door to move on?

Can you recall when someone didn’t say goodbye well (or at all), and you felt the sting of pain of a premature or half hearted goodbye?

A time I vividly remember was in a close relationship with a colleague and her family. We quickly became more than just coworkers, and our families, along with our spouses and similar-aged kids quickly began doing a lot of life together. We were at the point that her kids called me their ‘other mom’ and my kids called her the same.

When the time came for her to step down from her job, we were all very sad. Much of our close friendship was because of work but could have easily still been sustained on its own beyond a work connection. At the final goodbye, we thanked her for her hard work and contribution in her job and at the same time we took comfort and spoke of how we would still be close.

But in the coming days, distance began to grow and silence was the mark. No phone calls, no returned messages or texts. I began to question and was perplexed as I continued to reach out. My heart was broken and I was confused because the silence made no sense with how things were left at the goodbye. My children were questioning and didn’t understand why they couldn’t see their friends and why we weren’t hanging out with her family. I did not know what to say to them because I did not know why.

In hindsight, the goodbye we shared seemed hollow and insincere as her actions did not back up the platitudes that were exchanged.

Like everyone, I also have had a lot of opportunities, small and big, to do my own goodbyes. I know I have not always done it well. A recent situation I think of is from a completely different work situation.   I had my own character put to the test where I wanted to duck out and slip into the scenery at work because I was hurt. My pride was bruised and my heart was wounded because of unforeseen circumstances.  I completely understand that no one intended to hurt me, but regardless, I was sad…very, very sad.

As I felt the pain of unintentional, hurtful circumstances, I had some big decisions to make. I was faced with deciding what to do with the thoughts that fueled my strong urges to duck out and be done. The thoughts that fueled those urges of hurt frustration, (and even a bit of humiliation) were primarily based in fear and lies.

In it, I realized I also had a choice to lift my focus above my vacillating emotions and consider other realities that were even more significant truths. As I began to consider the precious relationships I had that didn’t have to end awkwardly and the truth that my role and history in the organization wasn’t meaningless.  I saw a different path forward.

I wanted to avoid an emotionally driven reaction to a reasonable and mature response. I could see that I didn’t have to succumb to my feelings that were initially marked by feeling unvalued and unwanted.

Consequently, I haven’t had to say goodbye! I am so grateful I was able to steer through the confusion and hurt because if I would have given in to my initial impulses, I would not only have severed significant relationships and endured great loss.  I would have confused and hurt others with an unnecessary, and poorly handled goodbye. I was tempted to duck out and pull away and nobody would’ve known or understood fully what happened or why. I unwittingly would have hurt and confused them.

When I do have to say goodbye, I want it to be in the open where there isn’t anything being harbored or unsaid. I want the motivation to be gratitude, not pain, for what is said and done.

So, in your own life, do you see a pattern of not dealing well with transition and goodbyes? I encourage you to ask yourself some questions of why and in what ways you struggle with this.  Ask someone you trust who can help you look at things objectively so you can step into the possibility of handling sometimes difficult things…like saying goodbye differently.

If you are hurt or a casualty of someone who didn’t say  goodbye well, it may be important to revisit what happened, call it for what it was and ultimately forgive where it is necessary.

Let’s be people who teach others how to say goodbye by how we do it ourselves.